The Game of Speaking

This is again one of my rare posts in English. ~.~

I was a debater, but never a good one. I fretted, even cried before I went on stage for the first debate competition in my life. How embarrassing that was. The subsequent competitions were never better. I had to force myself to get up and throw a few points out, just because teamwork mattered to the judges. Do I love debate? That was the question my seniors asked me years ago. Maybe yes. But only when I am sitting at the audience seat.

I was an also MC in the assembly and farewell ceremony in my high school for a few times. The very first time, I humiliated by myself - stuttering, mumbling, saying wrong words almost all the time - to the extend that all students laughed and my teachers stared at me from their positions on stage. The fear of public speaking has developed into a phobia. I fear how people below the stage look at me and judge me as a speaker.

But somehow I forced myself into this public speaking arena again and again, in hope that I will be able to speak like those aspiring speakers, great debaters I see, not in the TV or movies, but those people around me, who are just as ordinary as I am. They are able to throw out their line of thoughts coherently and amiably; they are able to capture the attention of the audience and sustain it without fretting the audience's eyes on them. If they could do it, why couldn't I?

I know exposure is the best way to overcome this shortcoming of me. It is not the audience's attention and judgement that are standing in my way, it is the fear and inconfidence that land me powerless in presenting myself and giving my opinions. The phobia unattended in high school has double-folded, and it needs to be addressed, because I know how important it is to be able speak to and with others effectively. This is a unequal world: if you are not able to communicate your ideas effectively, there's no point of you even having good ideas. This, I see again and again in my life - Public Relation presentation I watched, Business Plan Presentation I participated, and the list goes on.

I forced myself into a public speaking class, which left me with cold sweat and butterfly in stomach every time I entered the classroom. Some of my friends noticed it. Those constructive criticisms, though sarcastic at times but effective, I received from my lecturer were indeed helpful. But I was not sure if I have enhanced my public speaking skills to the standard I want myself to be. But I remembered my friend gave me a very assuring look after I delivered my final speech in Taylor's. That friend of mine is one of the very few who has the ability to truly assure me, to convince me, and to make me feel "Yeah I really did well." Has those skills faded after such a long time of not speaking before a pool of people, or even holding back my opinions in classes? It is all yet to be tested.

And now I am in the States, watching people speak very fluent, if not impeccable, English and express themselves freely. I know this is the best stage in life to train myself, because after all, this is the ultimate skill I need for my future. But I am even hesitant to speak to someone privately at times, just because I am afraid that I could not relay my thoughts coherently. I really wonder if can I stay at the backstage and tell others who I am, without standing out there and meeting their eyes.

Can I survive? I know I will. But how? I have no idea.